SRS on the Horizon

My plan is to have SRS in December.  I have been doing my research.  As I look at pictures, talk with people, and think deeply about my own wants and compromises of different surgeons, the dream of the post-SRS life really begins to take shape.  Reality begins to hit.  I cannot fathom the idea of sex where I do not feel disgusted any longer about what is physically happening to my body.  I fear that even after post-SRS, I will be greatly disappointed.  I fear that my psyche has been damaged so strongly that I will never enjoy sex.

And talking with people, I realize that it is a deeply personal issue.  Especially choosing the surgeon.  There are very few people that are actually open about sharing any disappointments of their SRS experience.  Almost everyone I have talked about SRS has waxed poetically about it.  Perhaps I am just reading erroneously and projecting my own worries.  However, I have read through countless forums of people’s adulations and critiques of all the surgeons.  Everybody seems to be piping up their own surgeon.  Were these same people expressing the same fears that I am presenting doing?  Did these people immediately choose their surgeon as soon as they transitioned?  I think, in a way, in order to appreciate one’s new vagina, there has to be the natural human feelings of fear and hopes and worries.   I also think that one’s new vagina becomes integrated with one’s sense of identity.  If one cannot love one’s new vagina, then this can be a product of lack of self-esteem, or this can lead to future depression.  Maybe that’s why everybody with whom I have spoken  possess great self-esteem.  What’s the chicken?  What’s the egg?  When I hear the criticisms from one person but then the approval from an actual patient, I get confused.  But then again, it’s a personal decision.  In order to love one’s vagina and surgeon, there is a degree of disapproval of other surgeons…all part of the ego process amplified to a sensitive topic like one’s vagina or self-image.

Well, after thinking long and hard, I am most likely going to Dr. Meltzer.  I have a consultation appointment with him in October.  If it goes well, and his schedule is open in December, I will undergo surgery in December.  It’s interesting because I had been leaning extremely heavily to Dr. Suporn the prior six months or so.  I went through the usual thought processes in choosing the surgeon:  reputation, sensitivity, form, depth, cost.  (Cost was hardly an issue in my case).  Why did I consider Suporn so much for so long and then switch to Meltzer?  Well…I’ll give you the simple answer…it’s a deeply personal issue.  =)      …let me say though that my degree of disapproval is very small and it was a tough call.  I certainly respect any T who chooses her surgeon over another…it is not easy in some cases.

Then, I think about my hopes.  Will I enjoy an orgasm?  <edited out>I know many Ts hate their penises but still manage to ejaculate to satisfy that bodily need.  For me, this has only become a large frustration after transition.  Before, my penis was treated with the same numbness I felt about my life and my so-called male existence.  As I transition, I let my body do a lot of talking…to communicate body language to another person, to allow fatigue to affect me emotionally, to allow alcohol to take control of me, to feel the entire gamut of emotions from touching another person.   But no sex.  That is still bittersweet.

Will the dream become fulfilled?  I can only hope.  The excitement is building, almost similar to how I was feeling during the excitement of transition.  I already have my mind set on wearing that first tight-fitting dress after surgeon…no more tucking!  And, of course,  sex =)

Name Leftovers

Riddle me this:  what does a dentist, a gym, and a cell phone carrier have in common?  As the blog title implies, they all have records of my old existence, ie my previous name.  They all are leftover transition fragments that I know that I have not informed the proper bureaucracy to update.  They all conspired in the past week to remind me how much my old footprints still exist in the world and how foreign that name is sounding by the day.

Let me start by saying affirmatively that I did update my name on my cell phone carrier…or so I would have thought.  My online account says Carissa.  My bill says Carissa.  But, lo and behold, my caller ID says my previous name.  Luckily, I was calling someone who knew me already and warned me about it.  The cell company will very shortly be receiving a call from me to correct this!

The person I happened to be calling was one of my dentists.  Let me prefix this by saying I have had an extraordinary amount of teeth work done over the years due to a horrific bicycle accident, genetics, poor hygiene, and too many sweets.  This had led to implants, root canals, gum grafts, crowns, bridges, extractions, braces (for a second time), jaw surgery, you name it.   Anyway, I have had a many doctors who worked on my teeth.  I only told some of them because it was too exhausting at the time and  I felt there is no need to see some of them anymore.  So my main dentist knows about my transition and warned me about my name when I called her.  However, there is further treatment that needs to be done on my teeth by another of these dentists, one who does not know.  sigh As easy and cathartic as it was to inform people a year ago, my previous identity is now something I do not want to talk about with strangers.  It’s aggravating to have to relive that surprise/awkwardness feeling.  Fortunately, my main dentist, with who I have a great rapport,  volunteered to call my other doctor and inform her.  I am learning that sometimes it is perfectly acceptable to rely on someone else to do that work and not to be so independent and solitary.

To cap it off, that day, I decided to hit the gym at my company.  It was my first time at my work gym since transition.  I had been exercising at a 24-hr fitness gym nearby, and my gym membership was initiated with Carissa.  However, that day, I was feeling a little lazy.  I wanted to go to my work gym.  I went to this gym with trepidation because it requires one to scan one’s badge to enter the gym complex.  The scanner triggers a voice that says, “Welcome, <name>”.  Well, even though I already transitioned at work, I had a strong suspicion that the gym database probably did not follow the corporate database.  …And I was right!   Fortunately, their database system had been updated this past year to a new one where there is no voice synthesizer.  Also, since I had not been at the work gym in a year, I had to re-register.  So I went in to the locker room, changed (surreptiously!), went out, and talked with the woman at the reception again, who had my registration form.  She said that something seemed fishy with it because old records indicate someone else (she told me my old name) had the same ID and that there were some of my information.  She seemed a little flustered.  After dallying for a minute, I finally uttered to her the words, “That’s my old name.”  I could not tell whether or not she was shocked, but there was truly a palpable awkward feeling as she looked immediately down, rustled through the papers as if she were busy, and said that it was not a problem at all.  Intolerant to that silence, I talked with her very casually, albeit with a softer voice to evade eavesdroppers, that I was thinking that this could be an issue.  Thankfully, she was polite enough and I went to exercise without incident.

I know that these minor incidents will probably continue to bite me for some time.  I still receive that occasional junk mail with the old name.  Victoria’s Secret, Macy’s.  What annoys me is that I receive advertisements from them also to Carissa.  I also have some checks left in my banking account in my old name, but they will run out soon.

I have distanced myself so much from my previous name that I treat it as a name in words only.  There is no personal meaning…until I hear it addressed to me.  Then, I instinctively feel this annoyance at being called that.  The only ones who still flub with the pronouns and name are the ones who do not see me much.  …and my Mom.  Ugh.

One-Year Full-Time Reflections

Yup, it has been a year, July 31 2008.  Wow.  Strike the band, play a jig.  “Happy Birthday…” blah blah blah.  Okay, now that I have celebrated enough, time to reflect.   (Ok, maybe not enough celebrating yet…we’ll keep that to non-bloggy activities)  What have I learned?  What rang true?  What did I wrestle with way too much?  What do I want for the next year?  Am I still gonna hate papaya?

Thoughts of worrisome things that didn’t turn out to be so excruciating

–My mom is not as angry as I thought she would be.  My shoe shopping experience with Mom was a highlight.

–Work has been fantastic in its dealings with me.  My bosses have especially been supportive and positive.  My manager even gave me a personal card of admiration.

–The worst treatment has been nothing worse than people online who ask me bluntly about my male parts.  There has been no smearing or homophobic/transphobic comments.

–Coming out is generally easier than expected.  Most people are intrigued.

Thoughts of things that surprised me more than I expected

–Assertion in a group is difficult and may be more so for women.  One guess of mine is that somehow the guy’s voice, a deep bass, carries further distance without losing energy (this is knowledge from my electrical engineering/physics background) and thus has more energy to dominate the conversation.  A woman has to practically scream, or she needs a deeper projecting voice.

–Learning to overlook a guy’s physical attraction to you can be difficult to inspire good conversation.  They are not necessarily thinking about sex.

–I really hate my penis.  Before, my feelings about it were complete ignorance and a general negative inclination.  Now, it is pure disgust and loathe.

–Sex talk is more off-putting than I expected.  SRS may rekindle my interest though.

–I will probably never share the same life goals as a peer of the same age as me.  I feel quite a deal more immature than these peers at times.

–I have lost quite a bit of wisdom by going through transition.  I have read that one can rely upon past experiences pre-transition in the male role to help deal with new experiences, but I have often been finding them a losing proposition.  I find my old experiences a hindrance to how I want to behave.  People sometimes say that a transsexual has an advantage in dating a guy because her past experiences in the previous gender role gives her intuition how a guy acts often times.  My response to that is that since I act beyond my old experiences, it often makes me lose any certainty of what I knew in the male role.  For example, males generally have a higher sex drive.  I *knew* that as a guy though I never really felt that.  Now, I am really feeling that intensity of the male sex drive with all the males I encounter.  I second-guess how much I really know about male sex drive in my pre-transition existence.

–Distancing friendships don’t hurt as much as I thought they would.  I am learning that sometimes personal growth requires one to find new friends.  I value loyalty a lot and I am learning to recognize that I do not lose my loyalty if the dynamics with my friends change.

–It is super fun to flirt with guys but my guilt prevents me from being emotionally manipulative.

–Wandering eyes can be a bad thing for a girl.  It is not too attractive.

–The work week really impacts my life.  I can now differentiate my Monday grumpiness and my Thursday anticipation (of the weekend) now that the fogginess of gender dysphoria is gone.

–My drive to achieve has been rekindled brightly.  This time around, though, I will not work so hard to let myself become depressed.  There are just too much associations with my unhappy childhood to let that happen.

–I still love playing sports.

–The power of clothing provides a large influence on other people.  It is a good reflector of one’s own mood.

Thoughts that Constantly Aggravate Me

–I continue to feel jealous of other women, especially straight Asian women.  This can really be a downer and unsuspectingly rob me of my mojo.  My competitive nature gets sparked at times with some women.

–Usurping peer pressure is difficult to maintain.  I am no longer a loner and the influence of others is much greater on me than ever before.  Group strength is a powerful thing, even if it’s a small group.

–Voice voice voice.  This may take years to master.

–I hate male privilege.  My feminism awoke.  It cycles every once in a while in angry bursts.

–Breaking female stereotypes is tough.  Why can’t I wear something cutesy and femme-y and be very dominant at work?

–My physical strength has gone down A LOT.  In the first few months, I tried to carry too many things at once, like many grocery bags, and clumsily dropped them.  I have to now mentally prepare how to carry things out of my car lest I attract embarrassing attention to my clumsiness.

–Obstacles exist naturally that confound social interaction.  It is up to me whether to expend the energy to overcome these obstacles for the sake of bonding.  This is very difficult to maintain, and I need to learn when it is ok to let it be.  An example…speaking over cubicle walls at the office.

–Dressing professional is necessary to be taken seriously.  I need to do double the work so I can speak very intelligently.

–Dealing with the height thing is annoying.  The thought of wearing heels beckons me.  Thankfully, I am starting to accept the attention that comes with wearing heels as a 5′9″ woman.

–Finding sensitive guys who are open is difficult.  However, I believe guys *want* to open up.  I am exploring new ways to make conversation with them comfortable.

–Being out from the beginning of transition, which has been great in the first months, has now become too burdensome.  I find the need to keep that part of myself private in order to grow.  I need to find ways to talk about my personal life without being dishonest but also being emotionally resonating.

–My boobs grew as little as expected.  A boob job is inevitable. <sigh>

Thoughts that Provide Me with Strength

–FFS rocks!  No matter how much people have commented that I did not need it at the time, the confidence to my presence makes wonders.

–Transgender people “get” me the best and are a constant anchor of support.

–Listening and caring skills have increased.  I can react and act spontaneously without the worry of gender.

–I am an extremely analytical and introspective person, and I am fine with that.

–Transition itself:   I will carry the courage of that decision with me forever in my other endeavors.

–I think I may be more attractive than others…I am uncertain.  I certainly get a lot of compliments, but it seems common for a female.

Thoughts of Girl-ish Fun Times

–Dancing (as a girl) is super fun!

–Making out (as a girl) is super fun!

–Asian genes rule (with Caucasians)!

–I need little makeup to attract attention.

Thoughts of the Future

–With my voice progressed to the point where I can converse passably with a stranger, I have been devel0ping new confidence to interact with others.  There will be exploration, there will be ups and downs.  I expect a whole new slew of stories with my interaction with people.

–I will learn how to use sexual energy as power.  It sounds so manipulative and exploitive, but I can see why women use it.  The stigma of sex as a heinous act boggles my mind.  If males have this privilege in society, it is only fair that women use their sexuality for the same.  I am not calling for women to sleep around to get promoted.  I am saying why should one dress down if one looks attractive just to divert attention from oneself?  As long as it is professional, it is perfectly acceptable to dress it up to gain an edge.  Of course, all power should be used wisely and not for the detriment for others.  I guess as a follow-up reflection, I am embracing social competition more.

–Relationship and love/trust issues still abound.  I still have not ever had a relationship with someone and am eager/anxious/scared of that.

–My untapped Type-A persona is screaming to come out.  There will be efforts by me to explore my leadership potential.  Having a strong impact on society is important to me.

–There will be much more interactions with people who never knew me.  This is a key thing.  In order to grow and have female validation, I need to meet more people under stealth.

–SRS is forthcoming.  My finances can absorb it.  I am strongly considering Dr. Suporn at the moment.

Thoughts of the Weird and Non-Sequitur-ish Nature

–I do not feel invisible anymore but I still deal with the frustrations and loneliness and unhappiness of feeling excluded from any impromptu socialization event.  For example, good friends bonding together and who appear to have a closer friendship.

–There are MANY wandering eyes among males.   None seem to possess the courage to talk.  I have yet to learn the subtle body language techniques to invite conversation.

–Sex requires a lot more energy and concentration than I thought.

–I appreciate fantasy/science-fiction still but do not engage that realm as much as before.  I hardly go to that section in the bookstore anymore, and I find fantasy/science-fiction themed TV movies less interesting.  Nothing beats finding the exotic and fantastic  in the real world.

–My enthusiasm for playing video games has almost extinguished.  My Wii sits unused and gathers dust with an unfinished Prince of Persia still hinging at 90% completion.

–Chatting online does not compare to actual face-to-face meetings.  And most often it’s useless.

–My role differs among each peer group.  I believe it will continue to evolve with time.

–I feel the age difference and maturity of being one of the older guys of my newer peer groups; I feel the immaturity of being among same-age groups.

–I am still in the process of redefining my pre-transition friendships…some for the better, some for naught.

–The feeling of being around nature and the serenity it provides is a powerful relaxation tool.

–I am firmly becoming entrenched in the label of bisexuality.  I am starting to understand what it means to be bisexual.  I guess pansexual may be appropriate.  We shall see if this stays true after SRS.

And finally…transition is the best accomplishment I have ever done (though that PhD thing was damn tough too).  No regrets.  No looking back.  Stay tuned for more life experience narrations.

Is Vulnerability a Sign of Weakness?

This question has been egging me the past month or so. 

As normal human beings, we all experience our ups and downs.  How we decide to express our mood depends ultimately on the individual.  Lately, when I have been feeling particularly insecure and sensitive, I have been struggling to maintain my resolve to find a solution.  It’s tough, and there are days when I can’t harness the energy to find the silver lining.  So what do I do?  I bury myself in my work, hoping for the benefits and serotonin release to come from that outburst of energy.  Energy that can be used to emote is used instead to focus on personal goals I want to achieve.  Well, yesterday I worked until the wee hours.  I solved an issue that I had been working on all day.  But instead of the usual satisfaction I would feel, I was worn out.  True, fatigue and lack of sleep factor greatly to create that morose state.  I tried to accept and appreciate the unhappiness due to my fatigue.  But yesterday, it did not succeed.  I felt that I achieved something and found absolutely no satisfaction.  I was lonely.  I wanted to cry, and yet I didn’t want to open up that part of me.  This begs the question…why?  I think it involves my perception that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness.  But is it a misconception of mine?  I hear enough people condescending that it rings true with me.  I haven’t really heard much positive.  So is it a weakness?

Back in my guy days, I showed as little of my emotion as possible.  It was the typical aloof male behavior.  To show emotion was to cave in to illogical decisions.  I used that drive to excel in school, to play video games, etc.  In many ways, my current late-night work stints parallel those days.  And when I wanted to show some emotion, how do I talk about my gendered feelings to anyone?  I was trapped.

Then transition came.  Showing feminity was fresh and unfettered.  It purely elated me to behave in ways that I have been wanting to act like over so many years.  I did not give a shit about showing glee and other positive-associated feelings.  But I still hedged on showing negative emotions.  Sadness is more difficult to let go.  I did not want to affect other people with such negative emotions.  In addition, in the past half-year, my indignity at the stigma of being lesser to a male gave rise to strong feminist principles, which I never expected to manifest so brightly before.  I took my negative emotions, turned the internal sadness to external anger, and harnessed it to redefining my beliefs in women’s equality.  I must thank my mom a lot for those strong personality traits.  But now the anger has abated…

The pressure of acting *female*, i.e.  showing emotion, both positive and negative, strongly affects me.  Perhaps since I don’t have testosterone in my bloodstream anymore, I don’t have the drive to blindly ignore my feelings and just work and work and work.  I *need* to emote.  And in my desire/want/need for human companionship, this includes the expression of negative energy as well.  My feminist principles are partly prevently this.  But they are not important enough for me to inhibit my feelings, are they?  What is this stigma of weakness that I feel?

Everytime I hear a person speak of their hurt, I empathize.  Unfortunately, the hurt usually involves another person and the hurt person will lash out, and I often cringe for the other person.  Perhaps a misunderstanding here or there occurred months ago that finally surfaced to that surge of negativity.   I feel sometimes that it is presumptious for the denigrater to condescend the denigratee when that person is not present, but this usually arrives when I do not know the party involved.  I do think that negative expressions are fine in private conversations, because they are usually between people who share a level of trust and out of earshot of less intimate friends or strangers.  Still…I don’t share a lot of my negative feelings…why?

I think I still fear that the person with whom I talk will think low of me for denigrating another person.  I think I have a lot of guilt for denigrating another person, especially since my personal philosophy is that every human being in the planet is equal.  Sharing hurt feelings reveals unhappiness with the love that is expected from someone.   It begs for attention and shows of empathy or sympathy and love which I am unaccustomed to receive.  I grew up in a lonely family environment with very reserved behavior from family members and a lot of tough love from my mother.  Gender exacerbates that loneliness.  Probably most important, I never had a relationship before in my life.  My friendships usually lead to disappointment on some level.  Loving someone is easy, trusting that person with your own feelings is hard.  And through all that tough love mentality, I yearn for that empathy.  I do not want to ask for it, and I definitely do not want to be thought as inferior for doing so.  Having a relationship will help mitigate that trust issue.  Yes, I do think showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness.  But showing hurt is fine in a trusting relationship.  How does one define vulnerability or a trusting relationship?  That is part of the journey.

San Francisco Pride Headlines

As alluded in the previous entry, I attended SF Pride festivities over the last week of June.  It began with watching many films and ended in an exhausting but exciting weekend.

0) LGBT Film Festival  — Fun in Boys’ Shorts, Dirt and Desire, Pornography, Prodigal Sons (Spoilers Abound)

I usually attend the annual film festival and see a bunch of gay flicks with my friend, C.  Fun in Boys’ Shorts is a collection of shorts with male homosexual themes.  It usually contends to be one of the best flicks during the annual film festival.  The editing, dialogue, and production are much better than the other shorts programs (Trans, Bisexual) and, from what I hear, have improved substantially over the years.  There were some funny ones this year.  The best short, imo, was “Steam.”  You see a closeup of a guapo hunky man dancing.  He’s naked, he’s sweating.  He’s oozing out of all his 6-pack and bodybuilding goodness.  Amidst all these closeups of him, an occasional proverb will pop up…”A man who has been the indisputable favorite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conquer”–Freud, “Nothing can have value without being an object of utility“–Marx.  It starts getting intense.  His hand is reaching down there, but the camera remains on his abs.  What is he doing down there??  It’s getting steamy.  The audience is getting turned on.  And then…the camera pans down.  He’s gripping an iron.  The man is ironing some dress on an ironing board.    The final proverb…”You can’t get spoiled if you do your own ironing”–Meryl Streep.

Dirt and Desire was pretty much meaningless.  It is a collection of shorts that revolved around the themes of sex, lust, and defilement.  It’s not easy to toe the line between sexual eroticism and cheap pleasure.  Unfortunately, low production did not help at all.  Rather than any good exploration, it is gratuitous porn.  The most memorable short is “Tour de Pants,” which is memorable more so out of the sheer constant boinkage.  I counted about five sex scenes.  The plot is irrelevant.  I didn’t find much interest in any of the characters and could not help but chuckle when C feigned psychological trauma from seeing so much vagina.

Pornography was a gay fictional thriller that centered on three characters.  Each character has his own act, and the plot relates to the underworld dealings of gay smut.  It’s a thinking movie and full of symbolism.  I did not fully understand the entirety of the story.  I enjoyed it but probably would not rewatch the film to understand the plot, as  the pacing was slow at times.  It’s definitely an artistic film filled with nuances and ripe for analysis.

Prodigal Sons was by far the best film I saw this year.  I went to see this with Kara.  It is a self-documentary that began around a New York transgender going back to Montana to attend her 20-year high school reunion.  But the central focus was not so much the trans issues but her relationship with her adopted brother and his battle with mental illness.  She was of the variety of transgender who chose to practically sever all ties to her life back before transition.  But, as it seems universal to all transgender beings, she will have to confront her old male past and find a happy medium to treasure certain memories while at the same time not letting it sink her.  For her, her relationship with her brother was central to her reinstatement into her family as Kim.  It was sad.  I was very teary-eyed.  But surprisingly, I identified more to her brother than to Kim.  I felt so much irony between his mental illness (brain injury caused by war) and the perception of transgenders as having mental illness.  I felt the awful fights I had with my mother to tell her that I am not psychologically ill inherently but sick due to a body mismatch.  I felt the misunderstanding and fear that the family had over Matt (Kim’s brother) and his sibling insecurity.  I felt the helplessness of the family’s ability to support Matt and the helplessless of Matt as he succumbs to his illness.   It ended with a clear symbolic show of her greater acceptance of herself and her past, and the sibling bond seemed pretty strong.

1) Trans March Friday

I attended the march for the third straight year.  If I showed up a little earlier, I probably would have soaked in more of the trans goodness atmosphere.  As it was, I didn’t and was bouncing around, chatting up with friends.  The march itself started well but ended a little disappointedly.  The past year, we looped back to Dolores Park, where the march started, and usually party and revelry continue at the park.  This year, the march ended abruptly at a street.  Perhaps the organizers were not able to obtain permits for after-march partying at the park?  Who knows.  Regardless, the turnout was good.  Gender is truly arriving at the forefront in civil rights movements.  The rally before the march is ready for some new wrinkles, I opine.  Or maybe just a little more organization and production.   Feeling very dyke-ish that day, I attended the march in a stereotypical boyfriend cap and blazer.  One funny moment during the march…at some point, my friends and I spot an African-American filming the marchers as we go by.  One of my friends remarks that he looks like Morgan Freeman.  I gave a second look and noted the similarities.  Feeling very brave (or very foolish), I ran back to him and asked him if he was Morgan Freeman.  By that time, I noticed he had a female friend.  They both chuckled, and he said, “No.”  I ran back, laughing and feeling embarrassed.  I realized his face resembled Freeman but was not quite there.

2) Pink Party Sat

My friends and I decided to stay at a hotel in SF Saturday night.  Being the default designated driver in almost all occasions, I was excited that I finally can drink without having to worry about driving.  As soon as we checked into the hotel, we commenced imbibing.  We then went to the Dyke March before proceeding to the Pink Saturday at the Castro.  For me, once bottleneck #1, being a designated driver, was gone, bottleneck #2, getting headaches from too much drinking, usually ensue.  That was the first night I tried Chaser pills, which are pills one would take to remove hangovers the next day.  Unfortunately, they worked too well for me.  Bottleneck #2 was removed, and my drinking became unfettered.  I admit, I am a lightweight.  You can figure out what happens in the end.  BUT I did not wake up with a hangover. =)  Anyway, the Pink Party itself was ok.  I didn’t remember seeing much of the usual debauchery.  Of course, I was too incapacitated by then.  I still had fun.

3) Sunday Pride

We woke up early for the Pride Parade.  After a little reconnaissance, we camped out at a spot near the end of the route.  My friends liked the Sisters of Indulgence float.  I was not particularly looking at the floats so much as cheering on mainly for straight allies who were marching, which has been an increasing focus on my part.  We saw Kara doing her Royal Majesty wave to the crowd atop the TGSF float.

After the Parade, we headed out to the celebrations at the Civic Center.  It was a lot of chill-out goodness, meeting up with friends, sharing the happiness.  As somewhat of a disappointment, there was no transgender area this year among the booths.  But then again, in previous years, the transgender area had always been a disappointment.  I guess the trans march has usurped the Civic Center celebrations in terms of publicity.  As usual, there were long lines going into Leather Alley, and I did not go inside.  A line dancing floor was set up as usual and attracting lots of people–I must try it some day!  A booth devoted to the Prius 2010 was set up near City Hall.  The 2010 model is sleeker.  I know almost nothing of cars but I foresee myself purchasing a hybrid (or a manual transmission) car as my next automobile.  The most interesting time came when Boa came to perform.  Who is Boa, you say?  I had the same question until D and L educated me that she is only the biggest Korean pop star right now, a la the Asian Britney Spears.  She performed only three songs to a frenzy of fans obviously more in tune with Asian pop than me.  I admit that they are catchy.  And her English isn’t bad at all.  It was apparently her first ever American performance.

All in all, pride was fun.  Perhaps, next year, it would be a good gesture if our Governator attended.  He has publicly said that he is personally pro-gay with respect to rights, although he always qualifies his words and says that the people should decide.  Maybe by next June, California will not be so much in a financial meltdown that he can take his time to drive one hour way and be a marshal.  Ahh, this is the more pro-active transgender me talking.

San Jose Pride Headlines

I attended San Jose Pride over the weekend for the first time. After attending San Francisco Pride so many times, I tempered my expectations based upon other people’s experiences and knowing that SF Pride probably is the gold standard. I went to the celebration with a group of people, two of whom I knew. Here’s the rundown of my highlights.

1) All We Need are Garlic Fries
Walking into the park, the festival atmosphere immediately hit me. It was nothing like San Francisco Pride, but rather more like the Gilroy Garlic Festival. Close to the convention center, the park was not too large and had approximately 30 booths. There was a small row of booths serving food, which one booth had, you know it, garlic fries. There was a fairly sizable stage with a black backdrop in the far side. I went on both Saturday and Sunday, and I did not have to endure any human traffic jams. One of the first questions that popped into my mind was, “What was the theme?” It was not obvious, as I did not see any pamphlets or banners.

2) Dyke-tastic Music
The music stage was set up nicely. The audience listening to the bands lounged underneath large canopies thirty feet from the stage. I felt like I was going to a lesbian folk concert. Lots of folk music and occasional light rock. The music permeated throughout the park and helped create a soothing and festive environment.

At some point, I knew that Brandi was to perform Sunday, but I had left by then. She was the only celebrity I recognized on the list of attendees.

3) Brokeback Mountain Comes to San Jose
I have been observing more frequently the juxtaposition of the Western theme and homosexuality. The organizers had set up a line dancing floor, and many people were dancing away in rhythm and in unison. I found this interesting, as the last few years in SF Pride, there was also a line dancing floor, and it was packed! I had presumed that line dancing was a fad, and apparently the queer world find it equally hip. When I see the people performing the exact same moves on the dance floor, I cannot help but think a little conformity in a non-conformist community can go a long way. Pretty cool.

This was the funnest part of my weekend…I rode a fake Bronco. The San Jose rodeo folks set up a dummy horse. Two handlers rocked the “horse” back and forth as various Pride attendees took their turns taming the beast. So I signed my life away, mounted the animal, received some beginning instruction how to ride, and proceeded to get bounced around while riding the fake horse. Being a skinny tall lithe being, the torque whipped me back and forth wildly on the beast. Did I mention it was fake? =) For my effort, I won a 2nd-prize 2005 ribbon for riding, which was no doubt one of their leftover ribbons from all the San Jose Rodeos over the years. One of my friends won a 2003 ribbon, another won a 2007 ribbon.

Giddy up, fake horsey!

4) HRC Apologists
The Human Rights Council had a booth and were petitioning for donations. On Saturday, they stopped me and my friends while we were exploring the area.  We were not happy about their non-exclusion of transgender from ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) back in 2007 and expressed our sentiment. The volunteer informed us that transgender were reinserted into the ENDA bill. I was skeptical and demurred signing anything, but later I confirmed it after I returned home. I can rant about ENDA but anyway… Regardless, I was still very displeased and refused to sign up. The petitioner seemed like an understanding person; I just don’t know if I can forgive the HRC stance and unite with their cause again. The HRC will need to make some sort of reparation or apology to the transgender front if they want to heal the wounds.

5) Soulless Dance-offs
On Sunday, the organizers built a dance stage in the rear of the park where some really hot gay strippers convulsed their way on platforms. Apparently, a famous stripper from Denver was there, Sisko <sp?>. He was dancing fabulously and pocketing many dollar bills. While I was in attendance, the promoters held two dance-offs, one for big girls and one for aspiring gay strippers. I found the MCs very offensive and cruel. One of them was a tall, big drag queen who didn’t mind some self-deprecation. Unfortunately, she failed to realize that self-deprecation was not the same as insulting others. It was too easy for the two MCs to make offensive fat jokes at the girls’ expense as they danced about to win Beyonce tickets. I liked the eventual winner, who was a butch frequently ridiculed by the MCs for her boxer physique. She unafraidedly told the MC to stop when the MC cracked jokes about her abusing her partner. Apparently, not only can she dance, she really was a boxer and promoted her fight. As for the gay stripper dance-off, some of the men were really talented at dancing. I could have enjoyed it more, but by then, I was weary of the MCs. I gladly took in a phone call as an excuse to escape the verbal pollution.

6) Volleyball Warfare with Bruce Lee
My group sat on the grass by some volleyball courts at one point while one of our members went to partake at the volleyball game. Perhaps “game” was too strong a word. It was more akin to random hitting of the volleyball towards the direction of the net. While we watched and cheered our player, we were bombarded with frequent errant volleyballs. They seemed to home in on my friend in particular.

I found it amusing that one of the players was a sculpted guy who had taken his shirt off. The entire time, he acted in the character of Bruce Lee, or some stereotypical martial artist in that vein.  He would hit the volleyball with a crane technique and occasionally flourish Bruce Lee-style after hitting with a sweep of his arms and high-pitched yelp.  Before receiving the ball to serve, he would perform a slight bow of respect.

Besides the bronco and volleyball, they also had a reverse-bunjee jumping ride for amusement.  Too bad they didn’t have a Dunk-the-HRC-Committee booth.

7) There Was a Parade??
I initially wanted to add some observation about the parade.  Unfortunately, I overslept on Sunday. I was out partying the night before with the group of folks with whom I hung out on Saturday. I wish I could say that I had a blast and got wasted, but no, I was the designated driver that night. Two shots of vodka in the beginning lasted me throughout the party. Amazingly, my tolerance has been increasing, and I felt no effects from the alcohol. On the other hand, my friend, B, got pretty hammered. I was not able to return home until 4am after helping B get back to her place.  I still enjoyed the party, as I met some cool people and talked more with my other friend, S.  Too bad I missed the Parade, which I heard lasted 30 minutes.

8 ) Lack of Trans
The number of transgender present was very few and far between.  Pride is usually synonymous with drag queens, and I saw only three, including the dance-off MC. I did not spot any FTMs. I switched on my T-dar sensors brightly on and marked a handful of MTF; all but a couple of them were in stealthy day-to-day attire.  I saw only one trans girl who was dressed flamboyantly and noticed one obvious cross-dresser taking her first steps.

The pride festival was so small that separate stages for different themes, such as those in SF Pride, did not exist.  Still, no transgender booths were present, and thus no transgender representation existed, which was a little disappointing. Looking at a more positive focus, perhaps, there would be too many tomatoes thrown between a transgender booth and the HRC booth in such a small park. =)

9) Unity among Diversity
Held in a city with many Latinos, quite a few Latins were at San Jose Pride. It makes me wonder how does this situation negotiate with the formidable anti-gay Latin voting block in the state of California.  Perhaps that voting sector is not represented in the Latinos in the Bay Area.

People of all ages were in attendance at the festival–babies, children, elders. Saturday was advertised as a family day, and I certainly sensed that mood.  One particular “hurts-only-if-you’re-laughing” moment occurred when one of S’s friends and her child dropped by to greet S.  This child of her friend, maybe only 6 years old, seemed like a cute little girl and was absorbing everything she was viewing at the festival.  When we all sat down for a rest at one point, she told my trans friend, B, how much she admired B on “what she does.”  The child said that it’s fantastic that my friend does what she does without caring about what others thought of her.  B was dressed very Goth-y and so probably stuck out among the crowd. She was probably read by the child, but I don’t know for certain. B laughed it off, and I couldn’t help but chuckle myself.  B has a pretty good sense of humor. The kid meant well, although I’m sure it still hurt B on the inside.

10) Wholesome Happiness
All in all, it was enjoyable. The entire pride festival was happy but not rowdy. I noticed none of the drug or alcohol use that is rampant in SF Pride. There was not too much rock music and thus no mosh pits.  It felt like a serene sunny day at the county fair, which I think is a good contrast from SF Pride.  No speechifying.  There was a lot of camaraderie.  Queerness and pride aren’t all about some egocentric display of rebellion and social difference, and San Jose illustrated that concept beautifully.  Of course, I still love the energy in San Francisco Pride as well and look forward to the “big one”.

I left, content and toting a BiLatinMen bag I won at one of the booths.  I’m excited about SF Pride.  In the meantime, I’ll be dreaming of Trans Marches, LGBT film festivals, and the happiness to express *me* for the first time since transition with other like-minded revelers.

Great Omniscient Deity

Dear G.O.D.,

I find myself with a ton of unanswerable questions. I want to be the best that I can be, but I am at a loss at looking for mentors. But what greatest mentor is there than you? In purely psychoanalytical rational ways, I can see why you attract a ton of followers. Every person wants to look up to an ideal role model to learn and to follow. After reading enough Jungian psychology, I really believe in the idea of mirroring, relative comparisons, etc. And as a trans woman, this is especially important in my life as I seek other trans woman role models in addition to finding role models to live my female life. As we grow older, we turn higher and higher until finally we look for spiritual role models. Like You. And you are most intelligent in finding human messiahs like Jesus and Mohammed that makes it easy for us humans to connect. Instead of wondering what would God do in abstract ways, we wonder what would Jesus do? But of course, in Christianity, Jesus and You are the same. I think I am a spiritual person, not religious at all, mind you, but it allows me to feel connected to the world on a transcendental level. Can I ask you a favor? I need a direction on what I can do to impact society. I can do research and math well, and I have come up with some ideas to help the trans community, but they don’t lend themselves to human interaction very well. I like writing, but there are many great blogs and books out there on transgenderism. What is my niche? Should I speak in public more often? Should I try to sway the public?

I know one of my particular interests is bridging the gap between a trans person and non-trans person. Why did you put this gap in the first place? How can we love each other when you make it so hard? Are these challenges intentionally created so that we can reflect and improve ourselves? For example, I think I personally and society at-large have made good strides in hanging with diverse ethnic groups. Of course, You know about the “token white guy” in a group of Asians. I’m seeing more groups where it’s no longer just one token white guy or token Asian guy but more mixture. Occasionally, I see the “token gay guy” in a group of straights, but I see this so much less frequently. But I don’t see any large mixtures of straight/gay people. Is queer-ness the next challenge? It never seems like the chemistry is entirely cogent. I have yet to see, let’s say, a group of 3 straight guys and 3 gay guys together. With transgender issues recently being more on the forefront as the next diversity issue, I see this awkwardness continuing. There might be one trans in a group. Why must you make group interaction that much harder?? With only one trans in a group, the conversations are less likely to center around trans issues. The rule of 3 mentality is part of why we don’t have more trans people hanging out in groups–trans people get read more in groups.

Why can’t straight people accept groups of queer people together? I’m not talking polite friendly, I’m talking like buddy banter. Why do you perpetuate misunderstandings of people with each other? What is your grand scheme? What’s with the distance that queer and non-queer people put between themselves when the queer person comes out? In my multi-ethnic groups, we play the non-PC game all the time, not afraid to occasionally make fun of our own culture. Yet, with multi-queer groups, it’s suddenly the pink elephant. Homosexuality seems to be more accepted nowadays and more non-PC stuff seems to going around, like mutual homo-erotic jokes. There are more gay comedians who are entirely okay with poking fun at their and other people’s sexuality. Yet, trans people seem vastly sensitive in comparison. Perhaps the trans issue just has not reached the maturity in public knowledge yet. It’s difficult to figure out for a trans person when non-trans people are ignorant and when they are not and when to be okay with the non-PC stuff. Cuz, trans people are totally cool making fun of themselves among groups of trans-people. Trans people are normal.

I apologize for my rant. Sometimes I feel the weight of society and don’t understand why certain things have to be. Why do you put these patternistic psychological behaviors on people? Is there hope at the end of the pattern? Is the pattern there to bring predictability and stability to our society’s trends?

Agnostic but Mindful, Empathetic but Neutral (A.M.E.N.),
Carissa

Dating Doldrums

I was all giddy with dating within a few months of starting full-time. I had my share of online dates. There were many coffee dates. I had lots of benign flirting online with good exploration. …But now, I’ve become tired. I think it’s my age. Too many guys with only one thing in mind–sex. No intellectual connection, no emotional connection. Conversations almost always lead straight to questions like “What turns you on?” or “Can I give you a massage?” Those are fine fun things, but when I play along, guys tend to push as much as possible to the inevitable sex innuendo. Their intentions are obvious when they make a blatant perverted joke and then immediately “apologize” for making the comment. Flirting gets old, especially if it goes nowhere, and I find online chats go nowhere most of the time. I have not been logging into my okcupid account. I have been on an unofficial dating moratorium the last couple of months.

Another reason for this weariness with dating is that, as I have probably said many times, I am still exploring my sexuality. If I had to label myself, it would be bisexual. But initially I had been concentrating on dating guys, probably out of curiosity and exploration. Now, the pendulum has swung the other way. Or more like, the pendulum has stopped in the middle. I look for any connection, guy or girl. I’m sure with SRS, there will be another period of exploration with a new vagina. But I know that the partnership that I value, the intimacy that I want, will be independent of gender.

Ok, maybe I’m not truly beyond my prime, in terms of my age. However, I am in my thirties. If I compare myself to all my non-trans friends in their thirties, they almost all have a steady partner or are married or are getting kids. Transition is blending with society, which means a certain amount of acceptance with social pressure. One obvious pressure is the peer pressure of acting one’s age and following my non-trans friend’s directions in life. The pressure to find somebody gets higher. On the other hand, most of my trans friends are younger, not close to thirty. We are probably pretty similar, emotionally speaking, due to transitioning at relatively the same recent time. But I know that my physical stamina will eventually win, like what has been occurring. I am simply too exhausted to explore for too long. My year-long bliss with transition has prematurely cut short by two months. I have become more engaged in my life goals. It’s not like life has returned to the shittiness of before, but now it’s more focused. No roller coasters, no crazy stuff, no depressing stuff. Just life.

I think I will be relatively neutral about dating for the next few months while I wait for my SRS surgery. Instead of agreeing to many dates, which mostly lead to dead ends, I’ll be more reserved and concerned with friendship than only kissing for cheap thrills. I still love meeting new people, but at the same time, it takes a lot of energy. Any dates now will have to have potential for serious long-term commitment and also survive the emotional changes due to SRS. And I’m turning off my straight peepers and turning on my bisexual bifocals.

Transition Is Not Change

I received this email in the unlikeliest of venues–my work. They send these weekly emails to improve interpersonal communications. After I read it, I felt it was dead-on to gender transitions too. Just substitute gender role for work role. =)

Transitions: Letting Go of the Old

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another”.

Anatole France, French novelist (1844 – 1924)

It is clear that we live in a world full of changes. Whether the change is welcomed or not, personal or professional, it is always difficult and we typically resist. But perhaps the change itself is not what we resist or what is difficult, it is the transition between the old and the new that is the culprit.

Now you wonder – what is the difference between change and transition? Change is situational: the reorganization of your team, new roles and responsibilities, or the retirement of your manager. Transition, on the other hand, is psychological. It is a process that we go through as we come to terms with whatever new situation change brings about.

The process has three elements: ending, neutral zone, and new beginning. Although we do not move through these elements a linear way, each transition always begins with an end. I’ll admit that it seems counterintuitive but think about the transitions in your life. Even the positive ones such as getting a new job or moving into a new house start with an end. You had to let go of your old role, your co-workers, or your neighborhood. We do not like endings so letting go becomes one of the most difficult times during a transition.

Here are few tips on how to directly deal with losses and endings:

• Identify who is losing what. Describe in detail what is going to change and who is going to have to let go of something. Define what is over and what is not for everyone.
• Acknowledge people’s feelings. When something ends, people get angry, sad, confused or even depressed. Some might show typical signs of a grieving. It might seem that they overreact to the change. But remember that changes cause transitions, which cause losses. It is the losses, not the change that people react to. Openly and sympathetically acknowledging the loss will speed up the recovery of those affected by it. Keep in mind that loss is a subjective experience so your “objective” view will most likely be perceived as irrelevant.
• Compensate for the losses. Ask what can you give back to balance what has been taken away. Is it status, team membership or recognition? If they lost a feeling of competence, can you give them a new feeling in other functions with timely training?
• Give people information frequently. There may be times when information cannot be shared. However, most of the time information is not shared because leaders are uncomfortable giving it because they are worried about setting off grieving emotions. Communicate openly, truthfully, and frequently to avoid potential resentment and fear of what is coming.
• Treat the past with respect. Do not denigrate the past. Rather, present changes as developments that build on the past and honor the past for what has been accomplished. You can also choose to create activities or actions that mark the ending of the past.

The reason changes often fail is that no one has thought of the impact of endings on people. While the first task of change management is to understand desired outcome, the first task of transition management is to convince people to let go of the old.

Source:

Bridges, William (2003). Managing Transitions. Da Capo Press, Cambridge, MA.Bridges, William (2003). Managing Transitions. Da Capo Press, Cambridge, MA.

Layers of Sharing

“How was your weekend?”

A question so benign and mundane is so much a loaded question.  There are so many ways to answer, so many layers of implication. 

The outer layer is the superficial layer.  I can give simple short replies, “Oh, it was good,” and leave it at that.  Usually, if I am preoccupied or grumpy, I will keep it short. 

Or, I can give a longer reply, “Oh, it was good.  I went to Yosemite.”  And, most of the time, my conversation partner will follow up with a question or statement of Yosemite, because Yosemite is such a fascinating place.  Inevitably, though, I will feel compelled to say more because Yosemite IS such an awesome place.  “It was beautiful.  The waterfalls are not dried up this time of year and so were a spectacle to behold.”

Now, the conversation can just continue and end there with the topic of Yosemite because there is so much one can say about it.  If I am particularly emotional at the moment, I may not share more personal details.  However, if my conversation partner happens to be someone whom I feel close, or perhaps if I just happen to be in the mood of sharing my emotions, or if that person persists in asking the question, “Who did you go with?”  then the can of worms has been opened.  “Oh, I went with my mother and sister.”  And, it’s like oohh…possible conversation about family impending. 

If I sense that my conversation partner is feeling awkward, I may just leave it at that.  On the day I came back driving from Yosemite, I was exhausted and still highly emotional.  I did not want to share my feelings because they were one big jumbled mess.  My roommate, with who I have become good friends, knows most of my conflict with my mother.  She asked me about my trip, but I gave very clipped answers.  “My mother enjoyed the trip.”  She is highly sensitive and realized I did not feel like sharing so left me alone. 

The truth of the matter is that I can reflect upon it now and say it was indeed a good trip, with respect to my transition.  My mother called my name twice and used my female name once.  That was the first time and I was surprised!  She even used the “she” pronoun a couple of times.  And we were talking comfortably about our extended family and even about my hair, my clothes, my jewelry.  She even gave me the good ‘ole motherly criticism about my hair, which although can be ingrating and irritating on my end, is a sign that she cares. 

What I neglected to say is that I was feeling negative and vulnerable the day I drove back from Yosemite.  If I chose to share those feelings that day, I probably would be complaining about my mother.  Sure, I would talk about the pronoun and name improvement, but my emotions at that moment were pretty crappy.  I could have probably whined about some lacking need that my mother does not provide relative to other mothers I know. 

I have realized that I can control over how much to share.  Often, what one says vocally (or in writing) has lasting emotional effects to what one feels.  Sometimes, venting is good.  However, sometimes, internalizing the negative is better so that one can convince oneself to switch to the positive.  I guess it depends on the person and how much he or she is willing to be influenced by external forces.  For me, I needed to step back.  I needed the time to reflect.  I have this history of negativity with my mother, and I often need to not react instinctively because more often than naught it is not a good feeling.  As far as how my conversations will go with respect to Yosemite and everything else, I choose how much I want to share with the conversation partner.  As I continue with life, I make choices to live positively.  I will have to vent occasionally, but I feel that everytime I successfully change my psyche to alter my perception of a potentially negative situation to sometime positive, I have improved that tiny facet of my life even more, which will truly help me 10 years down the line as I draw strength from my past successes over tough challenges.