One-Year Full-Time Reflections

Yup, it has been a year, July 31 2008.  Wow.  Strike the band, play a jig.  “Happy Birthday…” blah blah blah.  Okay, now that I have celebrated enough, time to reflect.   (Ok, maybe not enough celebrating yet…we’ll keep that to non-bloggy activities)  What have I learned?  What rang true?  What did I wrestle with way too much?  What do I want for the next year?  Am I still gonna hate papaya?

Thoughts of worrisome things that didn’t turn out to be so excruciating

–My mom is not as angry as I thought she would be.  My shoe shopping experience with Mom was a highlight.

–Work has been fantastic in its dealings with me.  My bosses have especially been supportive and positive.  My manager even gave me a personal card of admiration.

–The worst treatment has been nothing worse than people online who ask me bluntly about my male parts.  There has been no smearing or homophobic/transphobic comments.

–Coming out is generally easier than expected.  Most people are intrigued.

Thoughts of things that surprised me more than I expected

–Assertion in a group is difficult and may be more so for women.  One guess of mine is that somehow the guy’s voice, a deep bass, carries further distance without losing energy (this is knowledge from my electrical engineering/physics background) and thus has more energy to dominate the conversation.  A woman has to practically scream, or she needs a deeper projecting voice.

–Learning to overlook a guy’s physical attraction to you can be difficult to inspire good conversation.  They are not necessarily thinking about sex.

–I really hate my penis.  Before, my feelings about it were complete ignorance and a general negative inclination.  Now, it is pure disgust and loathe.

–Sex talk is more off-putting than I expected.  SRS may rekindle my interest though.

–I will probably never share the same life goals as a peer of the same age as me.  I feel quite a deal more immature than these peers at times.

–I have lost quite a bit of wisdom by going through transition.  I have read that one can rely upon past experiences pre-transition in the male role to help deal with new experiences, but I have often been finding them a losing proposition.  I find my old experiences a hindrance to how I want to behave.  People sometimes say that a transsexual has an advantage in dating a guy because her past experiences in the previous gender role gives her intuition how a guy acts often times.  My response to that is that since I act beyond my old experiences, it often makes me lose any certainty of what I knew in the male role.  For example, males generally have a higher sex drive.  I *knew* that as a guy though I never really felt that.  Now, I am really feeling that intensity of the male sex drive with all the males I encounter.  I second-guess how much I really know about male sex drive in my pre-transition existence.

–Distancing friendships don’t hurt as much as I thought they would.  I am learning that sometimes personal growth requires one to find new friends.  I value loyalty a lot and I am learning to recognize that I do not lose my loyalty if the dynamics with my friends change.

–It is super fun to flirt with guys but my guilt prevents me from being emotionally manipulative.

–Wandering eyes can be a bad thing for a girl.  It is not too attractive.

–The work week really impacts my life.  I can now differentiate my Monday grumpiness and my Thursday anticipation (of the weekend) now that the fogginess of gender dysphoria is gone.

–My drive to achieve has been rekindled brightly.  This time around, though, I will not work so hard to let myself become depressed.  There are just too much associations with my unhappy childhood to let that happen.

–I still love playing sports.

–The power of clothing provides a large influence on other people.  It is a good reflector of one’s own mood.

Thoughts that Constantly Aggravate Me

–I continue to feel jealous of other women, especially straight Asian women.  This can really be a downer and unsuspectingly rob me of my mojo.  My competitive nature gets sparked at times with some women.

–Usurping peer pressure is difficult to maintain.  I am no longer a loner and the influence of others is much greater on me than ever before.  Group strength is a powerful thing, even if it’s a small group.

–Voice voice voice.  This may take years to master.

–I hate male privilege.  My feminism awoke.  It cycles every once in a while in angry bursts.

–Breaking female stereotypes is tough.  Why can’t I wear something cutesy and femme-y and be very dominant at work?

–My physical strength has gone down A LOT.  In the first few months, I tried to carry too many things at once, like many grocery bags, and clumsily dropped them.  I have to now mentally prepare how to carry things out of my car lest I attract embarrassing attention to my clumsiness.

–Obstacles exist naturally that confound social interaction.  It is up to me whether to expend the energy to overcome these obstacles for the sake of bonding.  This is very difficult to maintain, and I need to learn when it is ok to let it be.  An example…speaking over cubicle walls at the office.

–Dressing professional is necessary to be taken seriously.  I need to do double the work so I can speak very intelligently.

–Dealing with the height thing is annoying.  The thought of wearing heels beckons me.  Thankfully, I am starting to accept the attention that comes with wearing heels as a 5′9″ woman.

–Finding sensitive guys who are open is difficult.  However, I believe guys *want* to open up.  I am exploring new ways to make conversation with them comfortable.

–Being out from the beginning of transition, which has been great in the first months, has now become too burdensome.  I find the need to keep that part of myself private in order to grow.  I need to find ways to talk about my personal life without being dishonest but also being emotionally resonating.

–My boobs grew as little as expected.  A boob job is inevitable. <sigh>

Thoughts that Provide Me with Strength

–FFS rocks!  No matter how much people have commented that I did not need it at the time, the confidence to my presence makes wonders.

–Transgender people “get” me the best and are a constant anchor of support.

–Listening and caring skills have increased.  I can react and act spontaneously without the worry of gender.

–I am an extremely analytical and introspective person, and I am fine with that.

–Transition itself:   I will carry the courage of that decision with me forever in my other endeavors.

–I think I may be more attractive than others…I am uncertain.  I certainly get a lot of compliments, but it seems common for a female.

Thoughts of Girl-ish Fun Times

–Dancing (as a girl) is super fun!

–Making out (as a girl) is super fun!

–Asian genes rule (with Caucasians)!

–I need little makeup to attract attention.

Thoughts of the Future

–With my voice progressed to the point where I can converse passably with a stranger, I have been devel0ping new confidence to interact with others.  There will be exploration, there will be ups and downs.  I expect a whole new slew of stories with my interaction with people.

–I will learn how to use sexual energy as power.  It sounds so manipulative and exploitive, but I can see why women use it.  The stigma of sex as a heinous act boggles my mind.  If males have this privilege in society, it is only fair that women use their sexuality for the same.  I am not calling for women to sleep around to get promoted.  I am saying why should one dress down if one looks attractive just to divert attention from oneself?  As long as it is professional, it is perfectly acceptable to dress it up to gain an edge.  Of course, all power should be used wisely and not for the detriment for others.  I guess as a follow-up reflection, I am embracing social competition more.

–Relationship and love/trust issues still abound.  I still have not ever had a relationship with someone and am eager/anxious/scared of that.

–My untapped Type-A persona is screaming to come out.  There will be efforts by me to explore my leadership potential.  Having a strong impact on society is important to me.

–There will be much more interactions with people who never knew me.  This is a key thing.  In order to grow and have female validation, I need to meet more people under stealth.

–SRS is forthcoming.  My finances can absorb it.  I am strongly considering Dr. Suporn at the moment.

Thoughts of the Weird and Non-Sequitur-ish Nature

–I do not feel invisible anymore but I still deal with the frustrations and loneliness and unhappiness of feeling excluded from any impromptu socialization event.  For example, good friends bonding together and who appear to have a closer friendship.

–There are MANY wandering eyes among males.   None seem to possess the courage to talk.  I have yet to learn the subtle body language techniques to invite conversation.

–Sex requires a lot more energy and concentration than I thought.

–I appreciate fantasy/science-fiction still but do not engage that realm as much as before.  I hardly go to that section in the bookstore anymore, and I find fantasy/science-fiction themed TV movies less interesting.  Nothing beats finding the exotic and fantastic  in the real world.

–My enthusiasm for playing video games has almost extinguished.  My Wii sits unused and gathers dust with an unfinished Prince of Persia still hinging at 90% completion.

–Chatting online does not compare to actual face-to-face meetings.  And most often it’s useless.

–My role differs among each peer group.  I believe it will continue to evolve with time.

–I feel the age difference and maturity of being one of the older guys of my newer peer groups; I feel the immaturity of being among same-age groups.

–I am still in the process of redefining my pre-transition friendships…some for the better, some for naught.

–The feeling of being around nature and the serenity it provides is a powerful relaxation tool.

–I am firmly becoming entrenched in the label of bisexuality.  I am starting to understand what it means to be bisexual.  I guess pansexual may be appropriate.  We shall see if this stays true after SRS.

And finally…transition is the best accomplishment I have ever done (though that PhD thing was damn tough too).  No regrets.  No looking back.  Stay tuned for more life experience narrations.