Mature Queerness

My straight friends of my age are getting pregnant left and right.  They are becoming mothers and fathers. They are becoming impressively responsible people literally right before my eyes.  They spend their free time with less drinking, giving more priority to family, doing lots of “weights on their shoulder” tasks.  Their dress is becoming more conservative.  The mothers are shortening their hair.  Conversation topics with these people have inherently less drama and are more focused.

Almost all my straight friends who are not expecting children are in mature long-term relationships.  Marriage is just a matter of time.  These friends are mostly living with their heterosexual partners, having already surpassed the relatively simpler experience of telling their parents, and not afraid to show the rest of their world their non-stigmatized relationships.

Even my straight friends who are not in relationships are mature.  They have found their own inner strength and figured out their dos and don’ts amidst many years of relatively conflict-free sexuality.  They travel around the world full of confidence and a quiet flair without needing to get caught up in other people’s business.

Most of my queer friends of my age are still carousing and living emotional-filled lives with strong peaks and valleys in their day-to-day moods.  Strong opinions abound.  These friends are still figuring out themselves and the world.  The few friends who are in relationships are still exploring their boundaries.  There is a sense of immaturity still present that is evident when compared to my straight friends.  It seems that due to the lack of experience in their newfound sexuality or gender, they are still searching how to be comfortable with themselves, to their families, and to society.  However, the difference between them and my heterosexual friends has one large factor–time.

What is that ticking internal clock in heterosexual minds that force them to make decisions and grow up at a quicker rate than queer minds?  Ie, that ticking clock to start a family by a certain age.  10-20 years of straight sexuality eventually lead to a good stable relationship and a nice family.  Queer people (at least, my contemporaries) do not find their sexual/gender identity until at least in their 20′s.   I, myself, did not find my queerness until my 30′s.  So does this mean I have to be in my 40′s to 50′s to find a great stable relationship?   There is no pregnancy clock within me that pressures me to find a nice relationship now. Even if I found a decent person to date, there is nothing to ‘force’ me to push me and my partner to really find that nest together by some internal clock.

I feel conflicted about this.  I am generally a mature person.  I was a precocious youth, mired in shyness, dealing with a guilty secret.  I feel comfortable in the conversations with my straight friends.  I am constantly envious of their nice relationships and babies.   As for my queer friends, I enjoy sharing similar experiences in exploration and sexuality.  I find good connections with them, talking about similar queer upbringings.  At the same time, the constant emotional turmoil can be draining.   These days, I yearn for the stability but at the same time realize I have not even scratched the surface of my exploration.  I have only been out for three years.

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